HISTORY OF THE RIOT SQUAD
Aka THE BOOK OF THE DEAD II – ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
4 billion years ago: a white-hot nebula coalesces to form our solar system. The Earth is an uninhabitable ball of scarred rock with no life and no atmosphere. You know, like a Kansas City game.
1 million years ago: a mutant chimpanzee descends from the trees and begins to walk upright. Ahead lay tools, language, writing, agriculture, and civilization. Until then, the hominid starts in midfield for Colorado.
2,000 years ago: Jesus is betrayed to Pontius Pilate by Hong Myung-Bo.
1995: Steve Sampson names John Harkes captain for life. Major League Soccer is officially established. In his undersea prison, Cthulhu stirs.
October 20, 1996: The Los Angeles Galaxy, playing without unjustly suspended captain Dan Calichman, lose in overtime to DC United. Cthulhu rises.
October 20, 2001: Despite not having an MLS franchise, Columbus, Ohio hosts MLS Cup. The San Jose Earthquakes, coached by Frank Yallop, and led by Landon Donovan and Joe Cannon, win their first MLS Cup. The Galaxy has lost its third MLS Cup in as many tries. Xenu roars with laughter. The Taliban are further emboldened. The clouds darken as Cthulhu casts his evil shadow over the planet.
In a last-ditch effort to save mankind, Kevin Hartman offers to buy Jeff Skinner two kegs of beer if he can form a fan group that will average a hundred fans a game.
October 26, 2001: Fullerton, California. Titan Stadium. The Galaxy win the U.S. Open Cup in overtime against New England. Paul Caligiuri plays his final game. In the southwestern stands, a rag-tag, motley gang of rogues, adventurers and fools join together to form what would become the greatest assembly of heroes ever to walk among mortals.
The Riot Squad is born.
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